Hi all! Today is my birthday and it's hard to believe that I'm 55 already, it seems like only yesterday I was having my first crush, my first job, my child. So many plans.
So what does this Gen-Xer have planned for 55? Nothing! No cake, no gifts, no flowers, no dinner... nothing. And such is my life these days. I can't believe how different my life is to what I thought it would be.
I look back on so many dreams left unfulfilled. Years of living my life to make others happy. I've followed certain paths, worked certain jobs, stayed in situations, and made sacrifices to please other people. I believed that I could find happiness by reducing the conflict around me. So, rather than push for what I wanted, I opted to just go with the flow. That turned out not to have been a good strategy.
I'm not happy. I feel lost, and I don't really know who I am anymore. I used to be this quiet but happy person, who loved reading, writing, walking and just being creative. I loved writing almost as much as breathing. Yet, somehow, I even sacrificed that, for what? It certainly wasn't for success or happiness. I constantly worry about bills and I feel like crying on a near daily basis. I look around and wonder what happened to me. Where is that enthusiastic young lady, determined to make her mark on this world? Today, she's a depressed 55 year old, in therapy and in need of a life overhaul.
So that's why I'm here today, making what I hope is not just another annual post to make a change. I'm on a serious mission to find myself and figure out who I really am and what I want out of this life. The dreams of my youth were fine for the time, but I'm no longer that person. I've suffered unimaginable loss, I have health issues, and home issues and the dreams of my younger self are only partially valid right now. Yes, there are still things I dreamt of then, that I still dream about today, things that I know I can still do. In an effort to figure out who I am, or at the very least, find the road I need to be on, I decided to create a bucket list. This list contains items that I've been too afraid to pursue in the past – like getting a tattoo, writing more, and taking more photos. I also want to visit family more and travel to see friends. In essence, I strive to be a little selfish, or self-loving.
It's scary when I think about taking risks as I'm an introvert to the core, and a bit risk averse, but I've realized that the only way to find myself is to step out of my comfort zone and do something. Along the way, I want to focus on becoming healthier in my mind, body, and household. I need to take better care of myself both mentally and physically and create a more organized living space.
I know this journey won't be easy. I'll have to make some changes that might be painful. But it's worth it, I'm worth it. I can't keep living a life that doesn't feel true to myself. I want to create a life that brings me joy, fulfillment, and purpose.
It's not too late for me to start a the life of happiness and purpose. It's not too late to find myself.