Hello all! I hope you are all having an amazing day, and that you enjoyed the long holiday weekend. I have so many things that I want to write about, not just the chaos in my mind, but also those moments when I find myself smiling just because. Lately, I've been stuck on the chaos and the trauma, trying to figure out who I am these days.
It's not enough to just be Ollie's mom, Vid's wife and Cooper's human. Those are only a fraction of who I am, only a part of what makes me whole.
So, who am I? I'm a writer, a Whovian, an introvert, a self-described nerd, I love all things computer, MCU, most things Sci-fi and/or fantasy, board games, photography, coffee, books (physical and audio), music, family, animals, cooking and importantly, alone time. I am also a bit of a workaholic, but I'm hoping to cut back on that addiction a bit.
These are only a few of the things that make up who I am.
Lately, I've wanted to run away more than I've wanted to stay still. It's like I have this pull in me, something that's trying to pull me back on course. I've spent so much time during these past 10–15 years just trying to keep my head above water, that I began to lose all sense of self. Every day, I seem to get farther and farther away from my authentic self. The writer, the dreamer, the optimist ... the girl who wanted to see the world and write stories. When I headed out of Buffalo, NY to Raleigh, NC, I was certain that I was destined to do more.
Once in North Carolina, I found a place to stay, got a job and began my life. I wrote daily, read books, traveled, I even painted sculptures (a relaxing habit I'd picked up)... I was on track. During this time, I met and fell in love with my husband, had a child, moved to Illinois, and was still optimistic.
We've been in Illinois for about 20 years now, and sometime during that period I lost myself. I know that we change as we get older, we learn new things, and we build on that knowledge. I don't feel that way. I feel like my dreams have regressed, and I feel way more pessimistic than optimistic these days, and that feels wrong. It's like walking around with my feet on backwards, do-able, but wrong.
I'm writing this to try to help me find the me I want to be. That's all for now, I'll write more later. Bye!