Hi Folks, I hope you are all doing well. I have been and continue to be on a journey, some call it self-discovery, others a defining moment, me... I'm not sure.
The past few weeks I have worked long hours on very little sleep, I've many nights fallen asleep at my desk, only to wake a few hours later and start all over again the next day. I have cried, I've been angry, overwhelmed, afraid, and on a rare occasion I've felt a little spark of joy before the flame quickly dissipated.
For those who know me well, you are aware that the creative, active, positive soul of my younger years has been on a sabbatical for quite some time. These days it's mostly chaos and overwhelm, which mostly fuels my depression and anxiety. I am currently in the busy season for my day job, it's not a glamorous job by any means, but it's a job where I respect the people I work with, and they respect me too. I also found myself needing to get work done for my evening/weekend job, my print and web design business, Digital Stitch Designs LLC. In the past month, I've prepared, complied and sent out, hundreds of insurance renewal packets and tended to their day to day follow-up emails. In the evenings and weekends, during this same time, assuming i wasn't still working on my day job work, I redesigned one client website, built another and is halfway through a third. This, all in barely a month.
Just as I was entering this busy season, my dad died, and my husband accidentally hit a concrete barrier with our car, rendering it unusable, and, the Village told us we needed to remove a dead tree right away, or be fined. These are just the highlights.
Under the best of circumstances, I would have entered this busy season with the support and help of my family, knowing that I barely have time to sleep, make phone calls or buy groceries. In fact, I was cognizant of the toll that this time of year can take on me, and took time to inform my husband and child that I would have little to no time available until the new year, that even non-urgent doctor's appointments would need to wait. Did that help, you may ask. No, not even a little bit.
Instead, I got/get constant reminders about the dead tree (now removed), about the dead car, about groceries, the water heater inspection, this thing or that thing. Even as I type this post, I do so while pausing my work, having had maybe 4 hours of sleep, with unaddressed text requests about me going to the DMV or getting some grocery items, or some other message I'm forgetting.
Last week, for the first time in a long time, I cried from sheer overwhelm and exhaustion. Not just a few "it's going to be okay" tears. The floodgates opened and the tears would not stop. I was sitting alone at my desk, messaging a couple of my co-workers at around 7:30 AM, to let them know that I needed help with my work load... this after another night of less than 4 hours of sleep. All of a sudden, I started crying and I couldn't stop. After what felt like an hour of crying while working, I texted my husband to let him know that I was having a really bad day. He seemed to understand, he texted me back words of support, and a few hug and heart emojis. However, later that same day, he was texting me about some grocery items needed.
Have you ever become so bogged down with other people's ideas about your life and how you should navigate thought it? Your parents, teachers, spouse, children, employers, friends, etc. At some point the noise of all those voices gets to be too much, and you just want to scream ENOUGH!!! That's how I feel most days. So here I am, tired, overwhelmed, overworked, unhealthy and not getting any younger. I once described it as feeling as if I was on the edge of a precipice. I can either let the noise keep nudging me closer to edge until I fall or fly, or I can push back. That is where I am now, and if I'm honest with myself, both options terrify me.